Heli Mai’s Birth Story

When I had Heli Mai over a year ago, I didn’t think I was ever going to share her birth story here. It felt too personal, too raw, and possibly, simply boring to anyone else but me and our family. But now that I’m about to have our second little girl, I feel like writing that story down before it’s all too fuzzy for me to remember.

You think you wouldn’t forget a 42 hour labor, but as time passes, the details get hazy and you realise that you’re brain is wired to forget. Those unimaginably painful contractions – you’re supposed to forget them. That desperation when NOTHING seems to be progressing – it’s all supposed to blur.

One of these days, I’ll look back at Heli Mai’s birth story and probably only remember the facts – she was born on the 21st of May, on a beautiful spring day, after a long and hard labor, but looking back, it all feels like just a blink of an eye.

This is probably a universal story, but my first experience giving birth was nothing like I had expected. Not that I knew what to expect, but I had read books on labor and prepared myself mentally as best I could. I wasn’t scared or anxious, rather excited and curious. Still, nothing could have prepared me for what it was really like.

My biggest fear during the last weeks of pregnancy was that my husband Rein was going to miss it. I was at my parents’ house in Estonia, he was back in Germany. We had taken our best guess, and planned on him coming over for 2 weeks from 5 days prior to our due date to a week over our due date. The baby and I were definitely under a deadline.

I was trying to channel to Heli Mai to make an appearance as soon as daddy got home. But, nah, she was in no hurry. So, my due date came and went without any sign of labor.

I got more an more nervous that Rein would have to fly back without meeting our baby girl, but I was still hopeful – we’ll make this happen, right, baby girl?

Then, 3am on the 20th of May, I woke up to the sensation that my water is coming. I jumped out of bed (quite literally) and sure enough, there was a little puddle of water on the floor. I woke up Rein and told him my water had broke. Poor guy, he was so sleepy, but so ready to jump up and start driving to the hospital.

Of course, there was no need to move that fast. I said to go back to sleep. I sat on the bed to time my contractions – at this point, they were very mild and pretty far apart, so I knew we still had plenty of time. In hindsight, I wish I could have just fallen back asleep, but I was too wound up for that.

I kept timing my contractions from time to time. They were regular and about 5-6 minutes apart, but so mild, I hardly thought I was even in labor. Isn’t it funny how labor apps let you rate the strength of the contractions, when as a first timer, you have NO idea what to base your judgment on? Looking back, I can only laugh at the contractions I labeled “medium” at that point.

At around 6am, I was anxious to get this show on the road, and as my contractions had been regular at a 4-5 minute interval, I thought we’d just drive to Tartu, the town the hospital was in. It’s a 50-minute drive and I knew from other moms that driving to the hospital with full blown contractions was the worst, so we had decided ahead of time to drive to town when I was still feeling ok.

My brother lives in that town, so we had planned to just spend the hours of waiting there. We grabbed some breakfast on the way and arrived at around 7.30am. I don’t think my brother appreciated the early wake-up, lol.

After that, it was just a waiting game of timing contractions and trying to get some sleep. Nothing had really changed by noon, so I called one of my best friends, who’s a Ob-Gyn to get some advice. She told us to go have a check up at the hospital no matter what once 12 hours had passed since my water broke.

So, at around 3pm, we made our first trip to the hospital. The did a CTG to check how the baby was doing and told us to go home and come back when the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. At this point, I had dilated only 1cm.

Back to the apartment we went to get some more sleep. I was still having regular contractions, but they were mild, so I could sleep. Honestly, I wish I would have gone for a long walk or done something else to speed up the process. I woke up around 7 or 8pm again, and felt the contractions getting a bit stronger. I joked that if this is what labor is like, it’s going to be a piece of cake. It was not.

By 11pm I had regular contractions at a 2-3 minute interval, so we drove back to the hospital. Another CTG and yet again – only 1cm dilation. Bummer! The midwife said we were welcome to stay in the hospital, if we wanted. I don’t know what I was thinking – I guess I hoped that staying in the hospital would magically speed up the process.

My contractions got stronger and stronger every hour, and I was certain we would have our baby girl by the morning. Alas, when the midwife came to check up on me around 3am, I was still only 1cm dilated. Really?? Can you check again? She told me someone would be back in 4 hours to check on me. 4 HOURS!!!???? Are you kidding me! At this point, I was uhh-ing and ahh-ing through my contractions, and trying to relieve the pain with a shower.

Another midwife came by after a few hours and offered to transfer us to a room with a tub, because the water really helped with the pain. I was more than happy to accept this offer, because quite frankly, the contractions hurt like hell. Little did I know how much further my pain tolerance would be pushed that day.

Time for another check up! I’ve got to be at least half-way dilated, right? Nope. Still at only 1cm. I started to cry. Hearing that I’d made no progress whatsoever during the last 8 hours felt incredibly discouraging. By 11am I had dilated 4cm. Finally, some progress, but nowhere near ready to push a baby out. My contractions were so painful and close together, that the tub wasn’t doing much for me anymore. I had reached the point of weird noises. You know, the part of labor, where you’re genuinely surprised by the sounds you’re making.

Progress was so slow, and SO painful that a couple hours later, the on-call doctor suggested doing an epidural. Something I had never planned on having. I was totally set on having a natural birth. But, the pain was unbearable, and there was no baby in sight, so I decided to take the epidural. Honestly, I felt bad about it at first. Like I had failed myself and the baby, but in hindsight, it was a smart move, because I still had 8 hours of intense labor ahead of me.

The moment the epidural kicked in was magical. It was the first time in hours that I wasn’t moaning and screaming every 2 minutes. This is also the part where I get blurry about time and details. I know I got like an hour or two of sleep with the epidural, and I know they checked my cervix at some point, but I don’t really remember what the numbers were. I also know that they attached the CTG to me again, and told me it was going to stay on for the whole duration of the labor, so they could monitor the baby more closely.

After a couple hours, the midwife told me they were going to stop administrating the pain killer, and would add in something to accelerate my contractions and hopefully speed up labor. Ugh oh! Since my water had only partially broken, the midwife broke the water in the hopes that it would help us along. The contractions went back to being SUPER painful and I went back to moaning and screaming, but it seemed to be working. At some point, I felt the urge to push, so we tried that, but it didn’t seem to help baby girl along, so the midwife told me to breathe through it. Easier said than done, lady!

A doctor popped in from time to time to check on me and the baby and at some point during the evening, they became concerned with the health of the baby, so they asked if I agree to attaching an electrode on the baby’s head so they could better evaluate her condition. Not ideal, but I knew it was necessary, so I agreed.

This was also the lowest point mentally for me. I could not understand why my body wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. I was so tired, in so much pain, and so ready to give up.

A little before 9pm, it was finally show time. Baby girl had moved down enough for me to really push. By this time, there were 2 doctors and a midwife assisting me. And less than 30 minutes later, Heli Mai was placed on my belly. I can’t remember much about these 30 minutes, to be honest, but as soon as she was out, my head got crystal clear. It was like the last 42 hours had been a dream that I just woke up from. I didn’t feel any pain, nor frustration, nor even relief. All I could feel was an overwhelming sense of needing to take care of my baby.

Turned out this was not the happy end for us yet. I could hold her only for a few minutes before they handed her over to daddy for some skin on skin so they could stitch me up. Turned out the midwife had done an episiotomy – I didn’t even feel it. Rein noticed that the baby’s breathing was strange and alerted the doctor’s. The embellical cord had been wrapped around her chest pretty tight, so the doctor took our baby for a check-up. Luckily, everything was ok, but they did give her some Paracetamol.

Finally, I was stitched up and my baby was back on my skin. That was the happy end I’d been waiting for. I was a little concerned with nursing, because of my inverted nipples (TMI, I know), but she took the breast like a champ. I just want to encourage anyone with the same problem to trust that you and the baby will figure it out. Like the midwife told us in the breastfeeding lecture – every breast and nipple is different, and the baby will adjust to what their mommy has. (I wish I had trusted my instinct more during that first week, but that’s a story for another day.)

One thing I will say is that I could not have done it without my husband by my side. His support is what got me through it. He told me to keep going and that I could do it. He injected hope into me when I had none left. He told me he felt so helpless and that he was genuinely afraid for me during some parts of the process, but he never showed it. Only after baby girl was finally out, did he show how he felt. It was like we had swapped places at that moment. I went from a crying, barely conscious mad woman to a calm and collected mama, and he went from a calm and collected husband, to a dad overwhelmed with emotion.

I’m only 3 weeks away from doing it all again. Hopefully, it will be a little easier this time around. As long as I have mu husband by my side, though, I think I can do it no matter what.

Meet Heli Mai Saar

HM in hospital

She’s here! Our precious daughter was born on the 21st of May after a long and hard labor. She weighed 3480g and was 50cm tall when she arrived.

It took us 42 hours from when my water broke until she was put on my belly. I’m not going to go into details and write a birth story, but I will say that it was everything but what I had anticipated. Never in my life would I have thought it would be such a long and painful journey. Granted the first 20 hours I only had mild contractions, but eventually the lack of sleep and exhaustion really got to me.

The beauty of child birth is, though, that you forget the pain as soon as she is out. The minute I saw her my head got clear and I suddenly had a surge of energy and sense of calm about me. It was like this was exactly where I needed to be and I’d finally become who I always wanted to be – a Mom.

HM with Mommy

That doesn’t mean the first 2 weeks have been easy. Far from it. We had feeding problems the first week, which resulted in her getting a fever and us ending up back in the hospital after just 2 days home. I cried a lot during that time, but luckily that’s all behind us now. She’s nursing like a pro and gaining weight as she should, which makes me one happy mamma.

HM with Daddy

I’m so thankful hubby was able to be here for the birth. we only had a 2 week window while he was here, and going through it alone was my biggest fear. I couldn’t have done it without him, honestly. He was such a big support for me throughout the whole process. He kept me going when I thought I didn’t have an ounce of energy left.

I can’t even tell you how much I miss him now that he’s back in Germany. It’s going to be another month before he comes back, and that pretty much feels like a whole year.

Heli Mai B&A

Just to illustrate the craziness of our early days – it took me almost 3 days to write this post. Baby girl’s schedule has been all over the place, and she decided to skip last night, which meant zombie mode for me. I’m so blessed to have my Mom here to help me. She let me sleep during the day in between feedings, which is why I’m even capable of finishing this post at the moment.

Despite all the hard stuff, it’s an incredibly special time. Becoming a Mom has been the most incredible experience and I’m beyond happy to have Heli Mai in my life. The kind of love that you feel for your child cannot be described or understood until you have a child. And boy, do I have a new sense of gratitude towards my own Mom now. I didn’t quite get what she has given me before now.

Sending all the Moms out there my best! You are all amazing!

xo. Hanna

Our Wedding Photo Book (gift idea!)

our wedding photo books

I can’t believe it’s almost 2 years since we got married! It’s gone past so fast and a lot has happened since then, but the memory of that day is still clear as day in my mind. That will probably change, however. I have a terrible memory, which is why I’m so grateful for all the photos (and the video) we have of our wedding day.

I remember having a the idea to make wedding photo books before we even got married, but it eventually took me about 18 months to get them done. It’s an investment for sure and we had other priorities at the time, so I held on to the idea and kept looking for the best option for it.

gift idea_photo books

Then, Blurb had their Black Friday sale last year, and I jumped at the opportunity. I’d had my eye on them because they’re based in Europe, which makes production time and shipping easier (and cheaper) for us.

We decided to make 2 types of books. One format for our parents – paperback and standard pages – and a fancier – hardcover and thicker pages – book for ourselves. We love how they turned out! The quality is really good, and the paperback option is really great for gifting, since it’s affordable, but still very pretty.

wedding books

Now, making these books can get overwhelming real fast. You have to choose your photos, then the layouts, and then everything has to be put in a logical order… Luckily, Blurb has their own book-making software that’s really easy to use and has layout templates + the option to save your own layouts.

At first, I tried to get really creative with my layouts, but I soon realised that this process was VERY time-consuming, so I made a decision to stick to a few simple layouts and use only those. That sped up the process a lot and made decision-making easier as well.

wedding album 1

I’m so glad we finally turned this idea into reality. I’ve been flipping through the book more times than I can count, and every time I do, I’m flooded by that sense of pure bliss I was feeling on our wedding day.

I already have loads of ideas for future photo books that I want to make! One day, I hope to make one book per year and gather all our memories into these yearbooks. We’ll see how I manage, but it’s a dream.

Have you ever had a photo book done? How do you organise your photos? I’d love to know how you keep your memories.

xo. Hanna

Maternity Photo Shoot on a Budget

maternity photoshoot 4

Hey there! It’s been a while. I feel like I’ve been in creative hibernation since the beginning of my pregnancy. I have so many thoughts about this, but I’ll leave them for another post. Today, I just want to share our maternity photo shoot with you.

In true Pearls & Scissors style, we decided to DIY our shoot, meaning we took these photos ourselves, with the help of a tripod and remote control. We we’re thinking of hiring a professional at first, but then thought we’d rather invest that money once the baby was here to do  family shoot and keep the costs low for this one.

maternity photoshoot 3
maternity photoshoot 2

After all, our main goal was to capture some of the magic of this season in our lives. And I think we managed to do that pretty well on our own. I know this type of solution is not for everyone, but it was enough for us, and we still got some really great shots that I truly cherish.

Actually, this is the second maternity shoot we had on this bridge. You can see the first one here that we did before Christmas as our holiday family photo and pregnancy announcement. But, we did have helping hands to take the photos back then.

maternity photoshoot 5

maternity photoshoot 6

The above shot is one of my very favourite, because it captures our love for our baby girl so well. She is so loved and awaited. Her Daddy and I are literally counting the days until we get to meet her.

maternity photoshoot 7

maternity shoot 2
maternity shoot 3

These were taken when I was 31 weeks pregnant. Now, it’s just 5 more weeks before the due date. Time is a funny thing right now. On the one hand, I feel it’s flying past, but on the other, I feel like the countdown never ends.

I’ll give a more in depth bump update in the near future, in case you’re curious.

maternity shoot
maternity photoshoot 1

Here’s to a new and exciting chapter in our lives. And hopefully, I’ll find more time to write in this space in the coming weeks. I still have a few tutorials to share. And soooooo many thoughts. I’ve missed this space.

I’ll talk to you soon!

xo. Hanna

Bump update (and we’re having a…)

pregancy firt half

We’re having a GIRL! I sort of spilled the beans in my last post (accidentally), but you might not have picked up on that, so here’s the official announcement. I also thought I’d give you a bump update as we’re past the halfway point already.

First of all, I can’t believe I’m at 22 weeks already. Then again, I can’t wait for this little lady to make her appearance. We still have a long way to go, it seems, but it will probably feel like a second.

How am I feeling? This pregnancy has been a fairly easy one so far. Yes, I was nauseous for 4 weeks at the beginning, and felt really tired for the first 2 months, but these are minor things in the grand scheme of things. The only thing troubling me at this point is a looming bladder infection. I had one over Christmas, got treated, but didn’t quite get it out of my system. I’ve had troubles with it in the past, so my doctor did warn me this was likely to happen. It’s a bummer, but I’m trying to keep myself warm, and drink plenty of water.

Any major/weird cravings? Nope. I had a huge appetite and major cravings at the end of my first trimester, but once the second trimester rolled around, everything went back to normal. Even my appetite. In fact, I felt pretty much the same as before the pregnancy at that point. I still eat more than I did before I was pregnant, but I’m not constantly hungry anymore. And I don’r crave anything specific these days. Ok, so I might have had a craving for ice cream yesterday, but those are like those normal cravings that anyone gets from time to time.

Have I turned into a pregosaurus yet? I read a lot about hormones going wild during pregnancy, and women being hyper emotional and what not, so I was anxious to see if I would change in any way emotionally. So far so good, though. I’m totally still myself, which is such a relief.

Baby prep. You might be wondering how we’re doing with the preparations. Well, we have gotten a few things for the baby, but at this point, most things are still just plans. My goal is to make this our thrifty budget baby, so I’m trying to get most things from friends and family, or thrift shops. We don’t have a huge budget to spend, so we have to get creative. Then again, I’m trying to move toward a more sustainable lifestyle, and buying less and reusing more is definitely a good thing.

The weird thing is that I haven’t made anything for the baby yet. I have a few plans, but to be honest, I’m not really excited about sewing clothing for the baby as I know she’ll grow out of it in just a few short weeks. It just doesn’t make sense. What I do want to make her is a knitted blanket, a quilt, and a bed set (or 3).

I feel like I’m taking a long break from creating overall. I guess the main reason is the change in my focus. All my energy goes to building my coaching business at the moment, so I don’t prioritise sewing, taking photos for the blog, or writing posts at the moment. I’m sure this will change once I get more established, and things start to flow more. I look at my sewing machine some mornings, and I sigh…. Wouldn’t it be nice to spend the day sewing? It would. But the again, I’m so excited about this new venture that I can’t bring myself to take a day off.

Maternity sewing. This weekend I will take some time to sew, because we have a wedding to attend next weekend, I have nothing to wear. And this time it’s an actual nothing, not like “I have 10 dresses that fit and I can’t choose” nothing. At this point I have two options – either to refashion a dress I have in my stash and make it prego-friendly, or to make something from scratch. The practical side of me says to refashion, as it’s a dress that’s too big for me anyway, and this is the only time I’m going to fill that bust. My creative side says to make something from scratch, as the dress isn’t really appealing to my aesthetic right now. But, to waist all that fabric on a dress I’m probably only going to wear once… Hmm, we’ll see which side wins when I sit down to sew.

I’m planning to sew a few transition pieces that I can wear both now and postpartum, but I can’t promise I’ll actually get to making them. Right now, I have plenty of clothes to get me through the pregnancy, so I don’t see the need to make even more. That’s the other thing about creating at this point. I don’t want to create something I’ll only wear for a couple months, and then who know’s when I’ll wear it again. And sewing anything that’s not maternity is also not an option right now as I can’t try anything on, and I don’t know how my body will look like later on.

I’ll just channel all that energy into the nesting phase and sew and create for our apartment. I’m having the urge to move and look for a new place, but I know it makes more sense for us to stay where we are at this point. I do have major plans to spruce this place up before the little one gets here, and start sharing some before and afters with you as well.

Whew! That’s all from me today. I hope you enjoyed this little update.

xo. Hanna

My One Little Word for 2016

hanna in the snow 1

I don’t know about you, but I’m really looking forward to this year. I’ve never been big on making New Year’s resolutions, but I do love the promise of a new set of 365 days (or 366 as it is this year). In the last couple of year I have been setting yearly goals for myself, and last year we did it together with Rein. We’re definitely doing that this year as well (as soon as we get back from the holiday).

Last year was also the first year I chose a guiding word to lead me through the year (read more about Ali Edward’s One little Word project), and I’m definitely going to keep doing that for years to come.

My one little word for 2016 is GROWTH.

With our little one on the way, it seems the perfect word for our year, but not only that. I also feel like this is going to be a growth year for me personally, and in my business as well.

I want to grow the blog – not only in numbers, but in content and quality. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want this space to be in the future, as I’m no longer blogging for business here. I’m shifting my focus on creating content that inspires me and helps me develop my skills as a seamstress and maker.

I want to grow my sewing skills. I feel I’ve been stuck in my skills for the past couple of years and it’s time for me to step out of that comfort zone. I’d love to learn how to make lingerie, and maybe finally make a coat for myself. There will definitely be some baby-related sewing, but I’d also love to grow my own wardrobe with self-stitched garments, and develop my personal style.

I want to grow my photography skills. This is something that I keep on setting as a goal, but haven’t made a lot of progress on so far. I’d love to take pretty photos of our baby once she’s here and document our little family, so need to master my DSLR more and grow in my skills as a photographer. For the last few years, I’ve mostly taken photos with the blog in mind. My goal is to start documenting the sweet little things that make up our everyday life.

hanna in the snow 2

I want to grow into new avenues online. I feel I’ve been stuck in my comfort zone for far too long when it comes to blogging. I’ve been thinking about maybe hosting a craft night online. What do you think? Would anyone be interested in crafting with me?

I want to grow as a person. This will be a given, but I also want to be intentional about it. This year I’ll become a mom, and that will grow me in ways I can’t even imagine at this point, but I’d also love to push my mental boundaries in other areas of life.

I want to grow my dreams. With the birth of our baby in May, one of my biggest dreams will come true. I’d like to focus on growing my other dreams as well this year. I feel like everything is possible if I give it my all.

As much as I love setting super specific goals, I’m more hesitant to do that this year, as becoming a first-time mom will most probably definitely turn my world upside down. That being said, I’m still going to set business goals, family goals, and personal goals. I’ll just be prepared to make changes along the way. I believe there’s no point in waiting for a “better time” to start taking steps towards a dream. Even if I don’t end up achieving every goal on the list, I’ve still have made a lot of progress.

What’s your one little word this year?

xo. Hanna

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