These are the days, yet I seem to forget them all too quickly, so I decided to start writing a regular series here called “I want to remember”. It’s my way of documenting the feelings, thoughts, and memories of the current moment for years to come.

I want to remember putting up Christmas decorations in our new apartment. A lot of firsts this year: first Christmas in this apartment, in a new city, as a family of four, with Ellen, and on our own (we won’t be travelling to Estonia as we usually do this year). And while I’m sad that we won’t get to spend Christmas with our family back home, I’m looking forward to spending it with out little family and people we care deeply about in our own home away from home.

I want to remember toddler Heli Mai. She’s getting SO big. I want to remember braiding her hair for the first time, making Christmas decorations with her, collecting pine cones in the park, and baking gingerbread cookies (more like me trying to stop her from eating all the dough before it got to the oven).

I want to remember my girls bonding during these first couple of months. Heli Mai is such a caring, wonderful big sister to Ellen. She’s the first to hear when Ellen wakes up or needs something, and quick to comfort her in any way she can. I want to remember how excitedly Heli Mai runs to our bedroom in the morning, looking for her baby sister, followed by kisses of course. And how Ellen’s face lights up as she recognises her big sister. Magic.

I want to remember becoming a mother of two, and how my world didn’t collapse, and I didn’t lose myself. In fact, I found even more of me, if that makes any sense to anyone but me. I want to remember feeling content and confident in my role as a mom, even if somedays I feel like I’ve failed. Tomorrow’s a fresh start.

I want to remember embracing my new body. I went through surgery just 2 weeks after Ellen’s birth to remove a big tumour from my left breast (thankfully, a benign one). I may have a Frankenboob, but I’m healthy, and that’s SO much more important that what one part of my body looks like.

I want to remember that it took me a week to publish this post. Me-time is scarce right now, but I know it’s just a season. This, too, shall pass, and before we know it, our girls will be playing together in their room while I sip a coffee and write a blog post on the couch. One day very soon. But for now, I’m taking in all the special moments in this season of life. And posting on IG, because it’s so much faster.

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